On Hygiene, Murder, and Romance
by Fallen Ark Angel
Summary: "I need to nail the blankets over the windows. The rain-" "Fang." "Max, I'm-" "Well if you're going to be grumpy about it, fine. I'll just stay cold." "I'm trying to keep you dry." "I thought you liked me better wet?" "Oh, right, I can't curse, but you can make naughty references at me?" - Post-Nevermore oneshot.


On Hygiene, Murder, and Romance

I awoke to a loud bang. I, of course, immediately knew what it was. Thunder. It was raining, no doubt. My not nearly as intelligent boyfriend, however, thought it was…I honestly don't know what he thought it was. I do know though that in his startled state, he flipped the hammock.

"Damn it, Fang!"

"Well sorry," he grumbled as he pushed himself off me. "For, you know, trying to freaking protect you."

"You sure do a crappy job at it."

Fang huffed as he stood up slowly, rubbing his arms. "It's freezing."

"It's raining outside," I pointed out, staying on the ground as I watched him just stand there, nude save for his boxers. I had bonked my head pretty hard from the fall and was using that as my excuse. "Besides, you should be happy. Unless this clears up anytime soon, you won't be able to do any work around the island."

"Yeah. I don't know why people used to complain about being construction workers. It rocks."

"Yeah, if you don't factor in that they wouldn't get paid when it rains and have, like, no insurance whatsoever."

Fang just reached down to help pull me up. "I ain't got to worry about pay or insurance or any of that other stuff. I work for fun. You work for real."

I made a face, though I allowed him to help me. "Yeah, I do. And I actually have a meeting this afternoon."

"Hmmm." Fang walked off then, heading over to the area of our treehouse we kept our clothes in. Pulling on a pair of his jeans, he said, "Well, it's probably not even sunup yet. I can't tell though, you know, since it's raining and shit. So-"

"No cursing."

He sent me a look over his shoulder. "You're lucky you're hot, babe."

"Don't start that, alright?" I was already bundled up in one of his sweatshirts and a pair of my own jeans, so I just went to work fixing the hammock. "And you really think it's not morning yet?"

Fang shrugged, pulling on a long-sleeved t-shirt while he was at it. It was rare that you would need one off those, given the humidity the island normally had, so I could see why he'd want to use it when he got the chance.

"Well, come over here and snuggle with me," I told him when it was clear he wasn't going to reply. Lying back down in our hammock, I sent my best seductive smile his way. "It is cold, after all."

Fang just went over to one of the windows in the treehouse, staring out the open hole. "I need to nail the blankets over the windows. The rain-"

"Fang."

Groaning, he said, "Max, I'm-"

"Well if you're going to be grumpy about it, fine." I crossed my arms. "I'll just stay cold."

"I'm trying to keep you dry."

"I thought you liked me better wet?"

"Oh, right, I can't curse, but you can make naughty references at me?"

"Naughty? Really?"

Fang frowned when thunder roared again. "I hope no one was out for a morning run. I-"

"Fang," I whined.

"Alright, alright. God." Turning, he head back over to our hammock, letting out a loud groan. "You're such a baby."

The hammock swayed slightly as Fang settled into it, but I only moved to snuggle into his chest, smiling up at him.

"What's got you so happy all of a sudden anyways, Max?" Fang kissed my head before letting out a slight yawn. "Huh?"

"It's the rain," I mumbled with a sigh. "Are we going back to sleep?"

"I dunno."

"Well, are we going to talk?"

"I don't really want to."

"When do you though?" I racked a hand down his abdomen with a sigh. "It's not like we have a lot to talk about anyways."

"Nope. Everything's great for once."

"Great isn't exactly the word I word go with," I said slowly.

"And why not?"

"I don't know, Fang. Great is, like, when everything's not just perfect, but also there's good things happening on top of that."

"I think things are great."

"We had sex last night," I pointed out. "You're going to think things are great until at least dinner."

"We had great sex last night," Fang corrected. "See how that works out?"

"I wouldn't say great exact-"

"Knock it off."

I shut my eyes then, listening to the rain for a long moment. "I'm not tired anymore, I don't think."

"We could always just lay here."

"Silently, right?"

"If there's nothing you want to talk about, Max, I don't see exactly what it is that's wrong with just being quiet for awhile."

"You always want to be quiet," I complained.

"It's not like you didn't know this about me before we got married."

"We're not married."

"I think we're married."

"You're so full of it."

"Why can't I think of us as married?"

"You don't."

"What would be the difference if we were or not? Seriously? We share everything already, we live in the same treehouse, we have lots off great sex-"

"Not that great."

"-so I just don't see why you're hating."

"Hating? Really, Fang?"

"Don't get mad at me because I'm cool and you're not."

"Oh, bull."

"I'm on the up and up, babe. It's not my fault that you just can't keep up."

"Stop calling me babe."

"What is wrong with calling you babe? You are my babe. Be glad. You just don't know how many women would kill for that position."

"I'm thinking all of…zero?"

"And I'm thinking all of…wrong?"

"Oh, I think I'm starting to remember why I like you better silent."

"See? I try to keep us both happy, but you always insist on us talking. You know you only want me for my body."

"Well, it's certainly not the brains."

"Certainly not."

"Sometimes I think they removed part of your brain or something when they were trying to make you stronger. Or all those times you were passed out killed a few brain cells. I mean, it's not like you had a lot to go around."

"You're really getting to me today, you know that? And it hasn't even started yet. I just wanted to lay here, with you, quietly, and you ruined it."

"Aw. Did I hurt your feelings?"

"I have no feelings."

I had to open my eyes then, only to roll them. "Sure you don't, Fang."

"I don't. I'm, like, numb inside. 'cause my girlfriend is so mean to me so often."

"I thought I was your wife?"

"Max, don't be so clingy. God."

Thunder rolled again and this time, I actually saw some lightening flash. Snuggling up closer to him, I said, "You stink."

"I haven't bathed in a few days."

"Fang."

"What? Why should I bathe? What's the point?"

"You work all day, building things around the island. You sweat. A lot. If you don't at least get in water a few times a day, you're going to smell. And I know for a fact that you hardly ever use deodorant."

"It's hard to trade for these days, alright?" He looked down at me. "It's not like you smell the best either, babe. I just deal with it. We're roughing it, okay? And so yeah, sometimes one of us is gonna smell like shit. So what?"

"No curs-"

"I swear to God, Max."

"The point was, Fang, that I at least try for you. I really do. I try to smell good. You, like, don't at all."

"And you clearly don't care," he told me. "You were all snuggled up with me last night, weren't you? Huh? And right now? So clearly it doesn't affect you that much. I mean, you freaking blew me last night, so-"

"I did freaking not. Who are you even lying to? We both know that I didn't."

"I'm lying to myself, Max. I like to pretend that I have a, you know, good girlfriend."

"You're so full of it."

"Do you know how many women would kill to give me a blow job?"

"We're not talking about murder again, alright? And no one wants your stupid dick in their mouths."

"Uh, yeah, they kind of do."

"Well, I don't, alright? Besides, you have no feelings, right? You shouldn't care."

"I don't care," he assured me. "In the slightest. So there."

"Ooh. You really stuck it to me."

"I can tell you what I want to stick to you."

"You're so dirty."

"You're the one that told me you liked to be wet."

"I was talking about the rain."

"Oh, bull."

Again, we both fell into silence for awhile. Fang was stroking the top of my head gently while I was weighing the cost of breathing through my nose and smelling his stench or my mouth where I would clearly get all of his disgusting stinky germs in my mouth. I had this mental fight a lot, considering I lived on an island full of people that didn't have ready access to soap and shampoo. Mouth usually won out.

"What if you skip the meeting today?"

I glanced up at him. "I'm listening."

"And we went to go take a bath? You know, together?"

"Fang-"

"No, no, hear me out." Fang shifted some and I feared the hammock would flip again. It held, though. "We just, you know, wash each other. I'll even clean out your little ass if you want."

"I swear to-"

"And then, you know, you can wash me too. Get my wings for me. Real hot shit, right?"

"You really need to-"

"Then, once we're all smelling good and stuff, you can, you know, give me a blow."

I blinked. Then, slowly, I moved to get out of the hammock.

"Max-"

"No, Fang. Stay. I'm going to go get dressed and head down to the labs."

"You said you didn't have a meeting until the afternoon. This isn't fair!"

"You're dead inside. You'll get over it."

He growled, though he stayed where he was in the hammock while I walked around the treehouse, getting ready for the day.

"Well excuse me, Max, for trying to keep you clean and me happy. You know, I try to do romantic stuff-"

"Me sucking you of isn't romantic."

"For me it would be. And what about me, sacrificing by cleaning your ass?"

"Shut up, Fang. God."

"You are, like, just so resistant to everything I try. It's bull shit, babe. I'm every girl's dream!"

"Your hands between my butt cheeks isn't my dream. At all."

"Better my hands than my dick."

"We are totally done for the day," I told him as I pulled off his sweatshirt. "Seriously."

"Oh, what? Because I'm too real for you?"

"No, because you're too dumb for me."

"Stop calling me stupid, Max. I could have the women that secretly want me kill you for that."

"Oh, whatever. I'm so afraid. I'm shivering." I actually was, but that was due more to the cold. "Come back when you have better threats, babe."

"Oh, so you can say babe, but I can't? Really?"

"Stop being a baby, Fang. God."

"God you, Max."

"Yeah, God me. I'd make a way better one than you."

"Jokes on you! You'd have to be a male then, stupid!"

"No!"

"Yes! Girl gods are goddesses. So ha, Max. Now you have a dick!"

"Shut up about dicks!"

We had a moment then, when I was changing bras and he was laying there glaring at me in the darkness, where our eyes locked and we just watched one another. I broke first, as I always did. Fang could stay void for days. Years even. I couldn't though. I started to smile before giggling. Fang took notice, though that was more to the fact I was shirtless and braless.

Sighing as he stood, Fang slowly made his way over to me through our empty treehouse. He kept promising me that one day, he'd take a ship and go to the more settled places in Europe and buy me some furniture. I doubted it, but still would tell him how nice that would be whenever he said it. Fang was nothing if he wasn't a dreamer.

And okay, yeah, he's kind of romantic. Kind of.

"You're going to need a jacket," he told me softly as he walked over to the pile of clothes to find me one. "One with a hood."

"Can I have your hoodie?"

"If you wear my hoodie, Max, what am I going to wear when I go out in the rain?"

"Why are you going out in the rain?"

"Well, you didn't think that I was just going to stay here all day, did you?"

"What are you going to do?" I asked as I finally got that bra on as well as a t-shirt.

"I dunno. I feel like I haven't seen Gazzy in awhile. Nudge either. Maybe I'll go hangout with them."

"Or go drink with Iggy."

"Whatever's in the cards." He turned then, pulling a hoodie over my head. Once I had it on, I immediately moved to kiss his cheek. That wasn't enough for him, of course, as he moved to kiss me then, lingering for a moment before taking a step back.

"Going back to bed?" I asked as he went over to the hammock. He bypassed it though, instead going over to the box of stuff I kept in the corner. "Fang?"

"No," he said as he got on his knees in front of it and began to rifle through it. "I'm looking for some soap or something."

Grinning, I said, "You can't go into the ocean when it's raining, silly."

"And why the hell not? It's like a freaking shower or something, right?"

"Lighting might hit you."

"I'm invisible."

"Oh, shut up."

He grinned over his shoulder at me. "I'll wait for the storm to pass, huh? Now get out of here. Your face annoys me."

Rolling my eyes, I said, "If I get an expiration date and die, you're going to regret all the mean things you say to me."

"Uh, babe, did you not hear me say that I have women lined up to kill to be with me?"

"Screw you, Fang."

He just smiled some more as I left the treehouse. "Love you too, babe."

* * *

**Did you guys think I forgot about you? Just needed a Maximum Ride break. Feels like forever, but I think it's only been a month. And bleh, I still don't have a real story. So...more oneshots?**


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